Jobber Knocker

An IMPACT!ful Confession To Vince McMahon

I guess you’re probably wondering why I asked you to meet me here today. How’s your A-show champion doing these days? It seems so long ago he was always coming around here, with new t-shirts every time he graced us. I know, I know, that gimmick now belongs to the worst Architect ever in Seth Rollins (What builder wants to burn things down? Seems counterproductive, if you ask me.). Yeah, I know, I’m rambling… it’s a bad habit. Kind of like Roman Reigns booking practices. Or keeping Mike Bennett in catering. Or Goldust heel pushes when he is DUSTHY RHODES’ STHON!!! Sorry! I’m sorry, Vince; I didn’t mean to ruin your Eggs Benedict! I’ve just… well… (c’mon Joe, he deserves honesty)… I’ve… I’ve been watching IMPACT! Wrestling. There, I said it!

Yes, Vince, IMPACT! is a thing. Look, I love your product, Vince. You won’t lose my $9.99 a month, and I’ll gladly pay $14.99 when you buy out Ring Of Honor’s library so I can watch Bryan Danielson matches. Yes, Vince, Daniel Bryan is Bryan Danielson! He was great when I didn’t fear he’d wind up like Randy Robinson in “The Wrestler”. Don’t try to distract me with shiny gifts from ROH like Rollins, Samoa Joe, Cesaro, and AJ Styles. You can’t buy my heart! You also can’t book a Cesaro singles push to save your life, but that’s another rant for another time.

Look, it’s not me, it’s you. I’ve been longing for an alternative to your offsprings’ 12 minute speeches at the beginning of Every. Single. Show. I honestly don’t see why a foreign accent has to be a barrier to title belts. Yes, I said it, belts. What are you gonna do, sic JBL on me? And here’s the thing. IMPACT!, well, it has wrestling matches. Episodes are headlined by wrestling matches. There is no longer any on-screen general manager to take promo time away from wrestlers. Storylines are not rushed to half-hearted conclusions due to monthly pay-per-views. No, wrestlers are not independently wealthy, but it’s not like YOU offer your Superstars health insurance…

And speaking of Superstars, the roster is headlined by Austin Aries and Sami Callihan, two bona-fide main eventers that you decided to keep down because of “attitudes”. Well, that lack of conformity to reach for “brass rings” has led to worldwide success in all sorts of promotions. They, along with all of the IMPACT! roster, are (brace yourself) free agents. And Vince, that is the future of the business. Yes, Cody Rhodes and the All In crew are going to sell out in Chicago, but big arenas are not going to sell out on Mondays and Tuesdays. The IWC is not trying to spoil the tapings of NXT or IMPACT!, and running shows on the weekend for Raw and Smackdown tapings is not the worst decision you’ll ever make (XFL 1.0 takes the award for that). What a concept, family time for your employees without having to undergo surgeries!

And speaking of injured wrestlers, wouldn’t the product be so much fresher if you allowed for indie performers to occasionally work for you in order to give the main roster guys a break. Sure, it would mean you would have to acknowledge American wrestling organizations that you don’t own libraries of, but your fanbase has access to these wrestlers more often than your roster. Just like you can’t own my heart, you can’t own the minds of your customers.

And speaking of owning, I guess I should get this check. The coffees came out to… $9.99… actually, do YOU mind paying $9.99 for once?