Jobber Knocker

Nestlemania’s Wrestlemania 11 Review: Sneaky Crappy

The Hartford Civic center was the home for Wrestlemania 11. An attendance of 16,305, the buy rate went down, but GODDAMNIT THEY HAVE THE STRIDEX BLIMP! It was floating around the arena. Boy did I pop (pun intended) for that. Let’s see how bad Wrestlemania 11 truly is.

The opener, The Allied Power (Luger and Davey Boy) beat the Blu Brothers w/ Uncle Zebekiah in 6:34. The Allied Powers came out a mix of both men’s themes which a lot people like. Not a lot of say about this because it went so quick. The crowd wasn’t really that hot for it. After the twins using “Twin magic” and Uncle Zeb (you know him as Zeb Cotler) losing his shit on the outside, the finish comes. Bulldog slips off the top rope and tries (I stress tries) to hit a sunset flip. He makes a decent recovery. Crowd sort of pops, There’s a shit ton of pyro after the victory! This is the opening contest and we’re using pyro? WTF is this? (Grade: D+)


Next, we have The Intercontinental Title match, as Razor Ramon w/ the 123 Kid beating Jeff Jarrett w/ The roadie by DQ in 13:32. The match starts off kind of awkward. As the Kid and Razor hit ring, there’s a tussle and then the heels go to the outside. The pyro is setup and just goes off so Razor and Kid pose. There was miscommunication somewhere. . . it just looked bad. Granted I’ve never been a Jeff Jarrett guy, and I won’t start now. There’s nothing wrong with the match, but it’s memorable especially with a DQ finish. Roadie gets involved just as Razor is about to hit the Razor’s edge and, of course, a tussle breaks out again.  (Grade C-)

After that, we have The Undertaker w/Paul Bearer defeating King Kong Bundy w/ Ted DiBiase in 6:36. How can any of these matches mean anything? Most of these matches are over before they begin.

Special note: Umpire Larry Young is your ref for this match. He was an MLB Umpire but didn’t have anything to do because of the lockout in 95.

Anyway, this match – if you can call it that – wasn’t anything special. The Undertaker could only get some of his moves in. And King Kong Bundy did what he could. These two didn’t really mesh well. Once again you feel bad for The Undertaker knowing how much God-given talent the man has. The most exciting thing about this match is the urn. DiBiase had it and lost it in the middle of the match, they make a big deal about it and then Kama (who’s part of the Million Dollar Corporation) intercepts it and runs away. Kama would later melt the urn into a gold chain necklace. The Undertaker can’t even deliver the tombstone because of Bundy’s size. A powerslam and clothesline took us home. WOOF! (Grade: F)

 We move on to the Tag Team Titles being defended. As Owen Hart and his mystery partner, the returning Yokozuna, beat the Smoking Gunns to win Tag Team Gold in 9:42. Yokozuna is beyond overweight here. I don’t like making fun of people who are big, but this is unhealthy. He is north of 500 lbs here. And you can see it’s taking a lot of him to do any of the moves. The Gunns work well together, and Owen tries to make the best of a “Meh” situation. The finish comes when Yoko destroys the Gunns, and Owen tags himself in (typical Owen, I love it) and then goes for the sharpshooter, stops and just pins him. It’s an awkward finish to an awkward match. (Grade: D+)

We go from one hart to another, as Bret Hart makes Back Backlund say “I quit” in 9:34. The special guest ref for this match is Rowdy Roddy Piper. Now, I’ve been a Bret Hart guy my entire life, but watching this match was a chore for me. I am taking off my pink tinted glasses here to say, “WHAT THE FUCK!?” First off, Piper was overly cartoony while “officiating” this contest. He asked Hart and Backlund “Do you quit?” so many times I had to put the show on mute. Every 10 secs he would ask it. This is not your match, Roddy! You’re killing me! Bob Backlund felt like he was actually fighting against Hart instead of working together to tell a story. We get to the finish where Backlund goes to lock in the Crossface Chicken wing, Hart blocks and puts on his own chicken wing. Backlund is asked by Piper… “Do you quit?” … Backlund says YES and it’s over! Now people are gonna fight me on this one, but the whole point of an I quit make is to say the words I QUIT! He’s doesn’t say them, and the match ends. I should be thankful it’s over, but man did this match blow. Bret Hart is quoted as saying “Probably my worst pay-per-view match I ever had.” And for a guy like Bret Hart who loves Bret Hart, even he knew this one should be flushed down the toilet. (Grade: D+)

Now for most of the night, the mystery as been Where is Pam Anderson? Shawn Michaels won the Royal Rumble. He won the right to have her on his arm. However, she’s nowhere to be found so Michaels has Jenny McCarthy come out with him. Diesel is out next with you guessed it, Pam Anderson.

Diesel retains the WWE Title against Shawn Michaels w/Sid in 20:35. This match was vintage Shawn Michaels, cartoony selling early! Surprisingly fast pace wrestling in the beginning and Diesel kind of kept up. Either that or Shawn made the illusion that Diesel was fast. Frustration sets in pretty early, as Shawn Michaels starts throwing photographers around because they are crowding the shit out of him. This again, vintage Immature Shawn Michaels! Earl Hebner takes a spill to the outside after Sid distracts him. Killing the chances of Shawn winning. Shawn hits a super kick and then Earl finally gets back in. There’s DRAMA! This has to be it! One, tw- Diesel kicks out BEFORE FUCKING TWO! Are you kidding me! Why not wait a little longer? We get to the end of the match where Diesel hulks up. Which frankly is very odd, but hilarious to watch. Diesel throws a botched powerbomb on his good buddy Shawn and it’s over! (Grade:C-)

The Saving Grace of Wrestlemania 11… Salt & Pepa Perform “What a man!” Ladies the Voodoo that you do! It’s Main Event time. Nicholas Turturro and fucking JTT, Johnathan Taylor Thomas, are ringside.

LT had his football buddies out there. Special shout out to MONGO! Bigelow had the Million Dollar Corporation out there for him.

Lawrence Taylor beat Bam Bam Bigelow in 11:42. Now some will say this match is excellent for what it was. Some may say this was absolute crap. I will say this match is trash. I will say this LT makes a really good effort here. He is very physical, everything was probably real or very snug. However, he fell into the trap of using the same move over and over again. A forearm! Bam Bam worked his ass off. At times this looked like Bigelow was fighting himself. The match ends when LT fights back after kicking out of a diving head butt. LT hits two forearms, and then a second rope forearm to end the match. This is where I piss everyone off. If this match wasn’t the main event I would have thought, Hey, LT did a really decent job, this was an ok match. However, because this was the main event of Wrestlemania 11 it still bothers me to this day. Now granted LT is a bigger draw that Diesel and Michaels, but still this made the whole night feel weird. (Grade: C+)

Still, in my opinion, one of the worst Wrestlemania Main Events… Ever!

This whole night felt like a big RAW or another PPV. None of these matches WOWed me. I didn’t find myself enjoying this Mania at all. This really felt forced. There audio and video problems through the event. It was not the polished WWF that we all know and love. To me, no amount of Celebrities could have saved this card. Everything on here was doomed from the start.

There’s a reason no one really talks about this one. A good reason!