Jobber Knocker

Joestopper’s Cruiserweight Report 5/28: AEW or 205 Live? You Decide!

The wrestling world was turned on its ear by the first official show from All Elite Wrestling. Headlining the bill was a matchup between two of the best tag teams in the world in The Young Bucks and Lucha Brothers. And the main event was overshadowed by the arrival of Jon Moxley, who obliterated Kenny Omega to cement himself as possibly the most hated wrestler on the planet. He has competition for Most Loathed with the recent heat spewing from Sami Zayn, whose Social Justice Warrior gimmick is garnering him boos even in his hometown. Who would’ve thought it was possible to boo this man?

Speaking of difficult to imagine disliking, Humberto “Shimmy Shimmy Ya” Carrillo joins Jack Gallagher backstage as 205 Live opens. He accepts Gallagher’s gentlemanly challenge to settle their feud. I would have thought teaming up to defeat Bollywood Boyz would have done that, but I’ll take a Carrillo match however it gets booked.

THE Brian Kendrick is out next, about to face off against Mike Kanellis. Maria has been active on Twitter, commenting on the duo’s upcoming contract negotiations. I’ll always be a Mike Bennett guy, but clearly Vince McMahon is only interested in employing his wife. As usual, The Opportunist is dominant early, and Kendrick has his selling boots tied on tight In a spot that never looks painless, Kendrick executes a snap suplex off of the ring steps onto the outside. He locks in several Captain’s Hooks but Mike counters with a Michinoku Driver. A second Michinoku Driver from Kanellis, followed by his version of Sister Abigail I have JoeMarked as “Love Hurts” for the surprising W.

GM Drake Maverick is backstage with champion Tony Nese and Akira Tozawa. Nese makes a joke about his neck hurting from how he watched the Fatal 5-Way match on tv. The Premiere Athlete wants to face the best competition, and doesn’t want to wait long to face Tozawa. Surprisingly, Maverick does not immediately book this. Ariya Daivari is in the trainer’s room, having the stitches inflicted by Oney Lorcan removed. The Persian Playboy is pissed, and vows to be the cause of Lorcan’s next stitches. This could be a great mid-card feud, as both are former 100% 100 kg’s Of The Week!

Noam Dar is out next, about to squash a man named Mike Karma. Jobber Alert!!! Dar is back to being a heel after feigning another injury last week against Mark Andrews. He’s mocking a man who has “Namaste” on his gear, which just isn’t kind. A Penalty Kick grounds Karma, and his running enzighuri ends this. Sarah Schneider interviews Dar afterwards, and Dar cements his heel persona by blaming his injury problems on jet lag. Hey, I’ve flown from Italy to Boston, I can feel his pain!

Lorcan accepts his loss last week and cutting Daivari’s ear. He apologizes, and then claims he’ll bust open Daivari’s other ear. Equal opportunity, I suppose.

Gallagher is out next, still entering to his heel music instead of his royal theme. Carrillo joins the festivities, but his entrance is screenshot over by a Drew Gulak Instagram post. At this point, Gulak needs to plug the Powerpoint screen back in, because I have no need for cryptic messages not written by Bray Wyatt. Both men show off their technical work, followed by Carrillo imitating Gallagher’s corner headstand. Considering that the Aztec Press begins with one, I’m not shocked he cosplayed the Gentleman. Gallagher grounds Carrillo by working on a shoulder, but Humberto uses his aerial offense to make up for this. A high-angle belly-to-back suplex from Gallagher off the top rope, but he cannot keep Carrillo in the ring. A double clothesline resets the action. Gallagher pulls up Carrillo into a delayed suplex, but Carrillo counters into a high-impact DDT. A corkscrew 450 (reminiscent of someone who backed out of Double Or Nothing; just saying…) puts away Gallagher. Carrillo offers a handshake, but Gallagher counters with a hug. Awww.

My 100% 100 kg Of The Week

As I said earlier, there may be no greater villian in wrestling today than the former El Generico, Sami Zayn. He’s always been a champion for controversial social causes, including the Israeli occupation of Palestine. But this incarnation of Zayn has given birth to a sardonic pessimist, hilariously in contrast to his upbeat music and initial presentation. Each week since his return, I look forward to hearing his worldly criticisms and remarking on how many I actually agree with. Yes, he DID break the “fourth wall” by mentioning what the audience was already chanting (AEW), but that whole “Electric Chair” segment seemed to be in response to AEW, so I don’t blame him for having to say that. He’s done what I thought only Bray Wyatt could possibly do, and that’s make RAW compelling television. He’s a long-overdue 100% 100 KOTW!