Jobber Knocker

Joestopper’s Cruiserweight Report 7/2: What Does The Future Hold For 205 Live?

Normally, I take this time to address the overall activity of the best wrestlers on the planet throughout all of WWE (and soon, perhaps AEW), 100 kg-ers. But this week, the grimiest of dirt sheets have speculated an end to 205 Live. Being your spiritual guide to cruiserweight action, I’m having a bi-polar response to this. On the one hand, the cancellation of a showcase of such great performers is a shot to the solar plexus. You need my reports, and I need a platform in which to focus my craft. Almost two dozen wrestlers would be left to the wilderness of Main Event and dark matches, neither of which I have access to. On the other hand, I have been crying in the night for a rebranding of this show, and this is potentially one step closer to my 100% 100s! Of course, this could all be for not, so let’s enjoy what we have.

Before the opening theme, top contender Tony Nese is backstage, speaking to Gentleman Jack Gallagher and Oney Lorcan about their six-man tag match tonight with Drew Gulak, Ariya Daivari, and Mike Kanellis. Gallagher brings up MIke’s “disappointments” of late, and words cannot describe Lorcan’s facial reaction. It’s must-see, people! Oney name-drops Chaotic, his former stomping grounds, and my admiration for the Boston Butcher increases. With this announcement, it means that Lucha House Party will not be main-eventing tonight!

Oh, God, no, Vic Joseph announces that there is a double main event tonight! Don’t do this to me, it’s been a hard enough week! Thankfully, their match with the Bollywood Boyz is a “KISS Demon Main Event”, not providing the conclusion to this episode. Secondly, Kalisto is not participating in this Tornado tag team match, so miracles DO come true. The absence of tags allow for the Singh Brothers to execute their heel tactics more fluidly, which makes you wonder why LHP would want a Tornado match. Lots of Bollywood dancing to allow for powder breaks, which eventually garners a comeback from Gran Metallik and Lince Dorado. Samir and Sunil answer stereo springboard attempts with double superkicks, but a Rope Walk Elbow from Metallik and a 450 from Dorado earns a simultaneous pin. 

Aiden English and Nigel McGuinness talk up the rise of Humberto Carrillo, which segues into a video package for Senor Shimmy Shimmy Ya. They’re doing a slow build with him, and that’s appreciated when so many wrestlers are shoved down fans’ throats with unnecessary pushes before connecting with them. Sarah Schreibner (Spell check? She has yet to be given a graphic.) is backstage with Kanellis, sans Maria, after the fiasco on Monday Night Raw. He admits he’s not emotionally ready to compete tonight, and blames GM Drake Maverick for the rift between him and Maria. This is the right promo after being humiliated by Paul Heyman’s first night directing Raw, and I wonder if it will lead to an in-ring return of Maverick.

A new TitanTron accompanies Gulak to the ring alongside Daivari and Kanellis, and it does work with his old music. Considering his next defense of the CW belt will be in his hometown of Philadelphia at Extreme Rules, the odds would appear to be in his favor heading into his match against Nese. Lorcan and Kanellis square off in Boston Strong Style, with Maria looking on in the locker room. You’d think she should be sitting down, given her delicate condition, but Vince demands a diagonal glance at televisions. Nese gets the hot tag, and goes to town on the heels. Stalking Nese, Gulak tosses him to the outside on a springboard attempt. McGuinness has christened him “The Dark Professor”, and it fits. Nese takes an extended triple-team beatdown, until Gulak decides to try to tag in instead of keeping Nese from hot-tagging Lorcan. Oney and Gallagher get creative with beating on Daivari, until all six competitors wind up on the outside. Gallagher uses this opportunity to re-introduce his Mary Poppins Plunge, but a following elbow drop cannot put away Daivari. Lorcan and the Persian Playboy fight to the Gorilla, ending their involvement in the match. Finally, Nese is able to pin Kanellis with the as-of-yet-unnamed behind-the-back Tombstone (my thoughts, “The Premiere Driver”). Gulak and the heels try to gain the advantage after the match, but the episode fades to black with chaos ensuing, bringing Lorcan’s prophesy to fruition.

My 100% 100 Kg Of The Week

His feud with John Cena may have been the most entertaining war of 2016. While having an amazing arsenal of offense, he’s best as an opportunistic heel with his cohorts Luke Gallows and Karl Anderson. AJ Styles has the ability to put on world-class matches with anyone, and he’s been reminding us of this with his battle with Ricochet over the US Title. But he went back to basics by reforming Bull… I mean, The Club. After yet another amazing match with the champ, he warmed my heart by annihilating The One & Only with a middle-rope Styles Clash and reaffirming that They Don’t Want None. Nope. They Don’t Want None. Enjoy your first 100% 100 Kg Of The Week, AJ!