Jobber Knocker

Joestopper’s Cruiserweight Report 7/16: Semi-Live, From Worcester!

As the WWE machine rolls through the Seven Hills of Worcester, your favorite cruiserweight reporter posts up within a bus-ride-distance from the hallowed halls of DCU Center at Casa de Pollock. The idea of a video report of 100% 100s seemed intriguing; but when ramen packs are one of your meals this week, it’s hard to justify even a $15 nosebleed seat. And besides, I give my readers what you need… no, crave. Going digital for even one week is akin to Bob Dylan plugging in at Newport, and you deserve nothing but the realness.

Our episode begins with a highlight package of Drew Gulak successfully defending his CW strap against The Premiere Athlete, Tony Nese on Sunday. Gulak is now backstage, deriding Nese’s lack of killer instinct in their rematch at Extreme Rules. He challenges anyone to step up and face the pain he’s able to inflict, as it is now HIS 205 Live (getting REALLY tired of that tired line from champions). 

Akira Tozawa is out first, accompanied by THE Brian Kendrick against Samir Singh, who is promising “lights, cameras, and Bollywood action!” Samir IS getting more offense against The Kobe Warrior than I would have thought, but Kendrick cutting off interference from Sunil allows for Tozawa to roll up Samir for a quick victory. The Bollywood Boyz try to beat down Akira after the match, but Kendrick recovers to stop Sunil from braining his tag partner with the “Boscar” statue they’ve been awarded. As much as I want tag belts on this show, feuds like this need to cease.

Another video package for Humberto “Shimmy Shimmy Ya” Carrillo. He says that originally, he wanted to showcase true Lucha Libre wherever he could in WWE. But now, he has focused his energies on capturing the CW Championship. A feud between him and Gulak is a bit of “been there, done that”, but there was never a definitive conclusion to his tutelage from the Philly Stretcher. With a bit of time until SummerSlam, perhaps he may be next up to face Gulak?

Mike Kanellis is out next, sans Maria. He promised more reasons to fine him in this match, and he’s facing off against (JOBBER ALERT!!!} Jackson James. As I type this, Maria is glaring angrily at a television monitor. After pinning El Locale after hitting “Love Hurts” (patent pending), Kanellis grabs a mic and demands GM Drake Maverick to come out to the ring to fine him. Maverick responds. Kanellis said that he could have gone anywhere when his contract expired in May, but stayed because he wanted to capture the CW title and kick Drake’s ass. Maverick lists a half dozen wrestlers more deserving of a title shot, and Mike retorts that Drake’s performances on Raw haven’t been successful, either. Neither one is wrong. Maverick gets verbally bullied further, but finally snaps, and goes full Rockstar Spud on Kanellis! Mike is smiling as he backs up the ramp, satisfied that he has unnerved Drake.

Gentleman Jack Gallagher is out next, getting a rematch against Chad Gable for our Main Event tonight. Gable is acting a wee bit heelish on his way to the ring, and I wouldn’t mind a return to the annoying side of him. As you may imagine, this is just as technically sound as their first match in June. Surprisingly, however, Gallagher is impressing with power moves in addition to his submission tactics. After a series of roll reversals, Gable is able to dead-lift the Gentleman with one arm into a half-German suplex! Gable starts working on the left knee of Gallagher with leg whips and toe holds, but Gallagher recovers to hit a beautiful dropkick and a delayed suplex of his own. On the outside, Gable drives a diving Gallagher into the barricade and hits a German on the floor, reminiscent of their last match. However, this time, Gable rolls Gallagher back in and applies an Anklelock. Gallagher is able to roll through to break the hold, but a Lunatic Headbutt only gets a two-count. Strong Style ensues, and a modified Alabama Slam from Gable gets another two-count. Gallagher blocks a moonsault, but his corner dropkick finisher only gets a two. THIS IS AWESOME! Finally, Gable is able to hit his rolling dead-lift German finisher for the win. Worcester is showing the love to both workers as Gable shakes Gallagher’s hand to send this episode to black.

100% 100 kg Of The Week

Since his departure from 205 Live via the Draft Lottery, Cedric Alexander had found life on the main roster difficult. A brief rivalry with Cesaro was demoted to Main Event, and he got lost in the shuffle of running after the 24/7 Title. Well, at least he’s a one-time champion of the Green Belt! But with the arrival of Paul Heyman as producer of Raw, things are looking up. In a losing effort last week, he cosplayed a crippled janitor to team with Roman Reigns in the main event. And this week on Raw, he shocked the WWE Universe by cleanly pinning Drew McIntyre. The “Pride of 205 Live” is a well-deserving 100% 100 KgOTW!