Jobber Knocker

Joestopper’s Cruiserweight Report 8/30: Regrets, I’ve Had A Few…

It takes a big man to admit mistakes, and Lord, do I have the size to spare! Reports of the demise of Ali, Ricochet, and Cedric Alexander were greatly exaggerated last week, as all three were featured prominently in WWE programming throughout the last week. The Heart Of Smackdown Live had a tremendous match against Shinsuke Nakamura in his return to televised in-ring action on “SmackVille”, followed by a non-title win on Smackdown. The One And Only bested Andrade in an amazing gauntlet match to earn the right to regain his United States Championship from fellow 100% 100 AJ Styles. And on Raw, Alexander culminated the finale of a cancelled Samoan Summit by diving off the LED board onto a conglomerate of heels, likely prompting a conclusion to his feud with Drew McIntyre in Toronto. Mea Culpa, loyal readers!

Serious music opens tonight’s episode of 205 Live, as nearly every verbal altercation between Mike Kanellis and GM Drake Maverick is replayed. It’s been a long slow burn to tonight’s main event between the two in an Unsanctioned Match. The former Rockstar Spud cameoed on Raw in a cringe-inducing match with R-Truth for the 24/7 Title (yup, THAT’S still taking up his time!), but the pride of Webster, MA has tremendous ability to make his opponents look like world-beaters. And 205 Live DOES do Unsanctioned Matches tremendously!

With Boscar in hand, the team of Akira Tozawa and THE Brian Kendrick are out to fend off the challenge of The Bollywood Boyz. I swear to God (I’ve been referencing my religious beliefs quite a bit tonight…), this match is for the honor of holding a fake award. Owen Hart made this concept look great. These four? Not so much.  After a few agonizing minutes of not using the statue, Sunil Singh mistakenly hits Samir in the gut. Sliced Bread #2, followed by a Tozawa senton dispatches of the Bollywood Boyz.

Another package on Humberto “Shimmy Shimmy Ya” Carrillo airs. I completely forgot that his debut match on 205 Live was against then-champion Buddy Murphy. Nobody in his wrestling family has ever been champion, and he vows to change this someday. CW Title holder Drew Gulak (still not pictured in the opening credits with the belt; odd…) is going to address the Universe tonight, and we may get an answer as to whom he’ll face at SummerSlam.

Lucha House Party are backstage, where I wish Kalisto would remain. They claim they are on the rise, but I have to question this notion when their wins and losses mean nothing. At least Lince Dorado is the representative tonight against Ariya Daivari. The Golden Lynx is the most technically sound member of the LHP, but managed to botch a handspring stunner attempt on the Persian Lion as I typed the beginning of this sentence. Daivari gets in his standard offense and showboating, but mocking Jerry Lawler’s second-rope punch (in Memphis, which is punishable by waterboarding) gives Dorado a second wind. He manages to pin Daivari with what can only be described as a tilt-a-whirl-roll-up with a jacknife cover. It’s enough to make Nestle retch like Seth Rollins on Raw.

Gulak is backstage in Aleister Black’s cave room. He’ll be watching the next match very closely, for a Kanellis victory ensures an eventual title opportunity. If Maverick wins, the search for a challenger goes back to square one. Riveting material, but Gulak didn’t get the belt with #SupahHawtFiyah promos. 

Maverick comes out to the 205 Live theme, and I wish I didn’t have to hear that twice in one night. Kanellis immediately attacks from behind, and tosses Maverick into the ring apron. Kanellis believes he has won in a forfeit, but Maverick ignores officials and asks for the bell to ring. Mike has upped his trash-talk game as he abuses the jeans-clad Spud at ringside, blowing kisses to 24/7 Champion Maria watching backstage. Remembering Maverick as a comedy worker in TNA, watching him absorb punishment is par for the course for him. Kanellis removes Drake’s belt and begins whipping him before applying a sleeper (“Love Handle”?). Maverick finally sends Mike into the ringpost for his first offensive move, but Kanellis drags him out of the ring to drive him face-first into the ring barricade. Kanellis begins to throw 24/7 fliers at Drake, and the GM hulks up and begins whipping Mike with the leather belt! A DDT onto the announcer desk, but a follow-up elbow off of the barricade from Drake misses Kanellis. Mike tries a Razor’s Edge from the top rope, but Maverick transitions into a hurricanrana. His variation of Spike Dudley’s “Acid Drop” finishes off Kanellis as Maria fumes backstage. 

My 100% 100 Kg Of The Week

While I would love to reward Maverick with this prestigious award, his performance on Monday Night Raw is still scarring my brain. No, instead, I look to a man who was ready to become WWE Champion before his orbital socket met Randy Orton’s boot. His promos kept our interest during the rehab process, as he was always more than just a laser strobe light show. As Finn Balor has set his attention to Bray Wyatt’s “Fiend”, Ali has stepped up to the challenge of Intercontinental Champion Nakamura, and will be facing him in Canada after defeating The Artist on Smackdown Live. With how much momentum he had prior to his injury, it’s hard to imagine the former Mustafa not walking out of SummerSlam with the White Belt. Ali, you are a TWO TIME, TWO TIME 100% 100 Kg Of The Week!!